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Healing • Hope • Growth |
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Samaritan Health & Living Center |
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September 2009 |
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“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” (Robert H. Schuller)
These words hung on the wall of my high school track coach/science/government teacher’s classroom. I was reminded of this quote as I contemplated the theme of this newsletter: still dancing in Elkhart. Schuller’s words and the theme of the newsletter seem to point in the same direction: perseverance. The recession/economic downturn could certainly qualify as a “tough time.” How does a family persevere during tough times?
First, let’s define “tough times.” Consider “wind” as a metaphor for “tough times.” Winds can rearrange the leaves or create energy. One thing is for certain, wind disturbs a steady state. This disruption can cause stress, no doubt. But, this stress can allow us the opportunity to acquire new skills. Just imagine if the wind never blew over a pond. The water would stagnate and stink. In some ways, individuals and families are like that pond. If we never experience the winds of life, how are we to develop into more mature individuals and family systems? Wind is neither “good” nor “bad,” but a natural phenomenon that just “is.” what we do with the wind impacts whether or not we see the wind as something helpful or harmful.
All families have roles, rules, and expectations. The roles are the “positions” we play within a family. The family rules are both spoken and unspoken. Rules and roles work in tandem. For example, I am a wife because I have a spouse. There are different rules in my role as a wife living in America than there would be as a wife living in Iraq. The roles are the same but different rules apply given the different cultures. Finally, every family culture has different expectations. You will only know your expectations in a given situation when those expectations are not met.
Secondly, think outside the box. When the winds of change blow the steady state of a family system is compromised. This disequilibrium can be an opportunity to recreate roles and rules within a family, allowing space for new positions to be played as new skills are acquired. And if expectations are not met, persevere. Keep talking and readjusting as needed to meet the needs of the family. Maybe there have been more tornadoes than refreshing breezes in your life. In either case, I encourage you to take a moment and think about the opportunities that lie within the wind. Maybe there is something that you've always wanted to try, but haven't had the time. Now is the time! Maybe there is a relationship that needs nurturing. Now is the time! I personally know two families where the winds blew and the primary bread winner lost employment. In each of these instances, the families used this wind as an opportunity to recreate their roles, and subsequently their rules. The couples have commented how much they are enjoying growing in their relationships with their children and each other. Another woman shared that the loss of her job afforded her the opportunity to return to school to pursue a long-held interest and found a job in that field. In these instances, it took the winds of change to blow in order for dreams to be realized, priorities to be re-established, and values to be lived out in new and different ways. The choice is ours: view the wind as an obstacle or an opportunity, remembering the words of Robert Schuller, “Tough times never last, but tough people do."
- Alison Andrews, MA September 2009 |
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I Dance* Because I'm Still Alive; I'm Still Alive Because I Dance
I've read that the human brain is most notably an "anticipation machine" - that is, it is built to take in information from the world around us, and then to use that information to develop guesses about what will happen next. It makes sense: the species that correctly anticipates is also likely to be the species that survives.
It's only a small step from anticipation to planning: once we've anticipated what will happen next, we make plans to deal with it. Our brains must also be wired to make plans, or all that anticipation wouldn't do any good.
We humans above all other species make Big Plans. We spend years in school preparing for careers, set aside money for a boat or our children's college, put in sprinkler systems around our houses. We prepare for eventualities, buying health insurance and car insurance and homeowners' insurance - all so that unexpected eventualities don't dash our Big Plans.
Yet we can't prepare for everything, as the last year has taught us. Big Plans can still vanish in a heartbeat.
And then we grieve.
We humans above all other species grieve the loss of our Big Plans. For instance: it's amazing, perhaps depressing, how many times the biggest loss a person feels in an unwanted divorce isn't the loss of the spouse - it's the loss of the anticipated future. By the time of the divorce, the person is often fed up with the departing spouse, secretly glad s/he is gone. But the person still feels devastating grief about the loss of an often idealized, often unrealizable future. Giving up the actual spouse is no big deal compared with giving up the Big Plan.
There's a big downside to a life of anticipating Big Plans: it leads us to live in future tense, and happiness can only happen here and now. Sometimes this is the surprising benefit of having Big Plans fall through: it throws us out of the future and into the present. That is often a painful landing, but after the bruises heal, we can discover the joy of living in the moment. Call it the "Gospel According to Zorba", if you like, after the novel by Nikos Kazantzakis. The character of Zorba teaches the novel's narrator (and us, as we listen in) that happiness and being truly alive are only possible in the now, and can be uniquely accessed as we give ourselves to the moment, as he does in dance. He dances in joy, he dances in grief, and it is the same dance - and his dance partner is Life itself.
Elkhart County has seen its share of grief this past year, and many have turned to the Samaritan Center for healing, hope, and growth. In the psychotherapy process, we rarely leave our seats, but in the thoughts and feelings we share, clients recover the ability - even in grief - to join in a metaphoric dance: to celebrate what can be celebrated in the moment. Even if all we have is that we're alive, then by God we're alive, and the dance brings us into the moment
We're "still dancing in Elkhart." Come and see at the RV /MH Hall of Fame. Or, if you've lost the way to happiness, the Samaritan Center is a resource to help you find it back.
*Full disclosure: if we're talking about me personally, then I mean "dance" in a highly metaphoric sense. I am to dance what George W. Bush is to the English language, so I do my dancing with wards and leave the actual feet-on-the-floor stuff to lither folk.
- Gregory A. Hinkle, Ph.D., Executive Director September 2009 |
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Dancing…
I like to dance, and even though I’m not very good at it, I have fun trying. Maybe you can relate to going to a dance and waiting for one song, or type of music, you can dance to. In the meantime, if you’re willing to look silly for awhile you might be able to stay on the dance floor and improve your skills. I am fascinated with the several dance shows currently on TV like, “So You Think You Can Dance.” Dancers are judged and either allowed to stay in the game or dismissed. If they stay, they are challenged to learn new routines and are judged again each week. The survivors are the ones who are able to leave their dancing comfort zone and try new things. Some thrive on that challenge. You can see on the outtakes that some are very uncomfortable with new routines. Some are very good at the familiar but can’t really adapt to other styles. And, if they can’t do it, they lose. Many of these people have obviously had a great deal of training, others have a natural gift and some need a great deal more work. I am amazed at their courage to be on camera.
Those who survive and thrive in life are resilient, adapt to whatever is thrown their way and can take a risk. We can help our children to be this resilient. First, they need a stable base at home and unconditional love. They need a safe place to try things out, that it’s okay to make mistakes - that’s how we learn. If we don’t catch on we keep working at it, maybe with help, until it becomes easier. A variety of healthy activities builds a child’s self confidence and adaptability. They need to have the opportunity to master tasks and to try new things. If all attention is placed on one area, the child’s development may not have the opportunity to flourish. For example: focusing on academics is a very good thing. It is important to do well in school, to learn how to study and be responsible in getting work completed and turned in on time. It may not be healthy for the child’s development if all the other activities are put on hold.
Sports, for example, can be a positive experience. It teaches teamwork, socialization, physical fitness, leadership, self confidence, discipline, etc…The expressive arts have many benefits, too. Church activities, community service, chores/jobs and sense of family are all areas to be explored and developed as well. The list goes on; each area has something to offer. None of us can be the best at everything and some things may not be of any interest at all. On the other hand, parents run the risk of overwhelming children by pushing them to be involved in so many things that they don’t feel competent in any of them. Down time to just be quiet or get to know ourselves is also important. I am concerned with children I see who only interact with the computer or video games. I appreciate the technology but it very much limits other important areas of development. The point is that to limit ourselves or our children too much can be a disservice and hinder our adaptability. Limitations prevent growth. Change can be difficult; adversity and new situations can be frightening. Having a broad base of knowledge allows us to have more confidence in ourselves so we can try something new - something we had never considered before - maybe even something that will be a perfect match for us. We can “dance” a variety of dances and not limit ourselves to just one. We can be resilient, survive and thrive!
- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW September 2009 |
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