Healing  •  Hope  •  Growth

Samaritan Health & Living Center

Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

Dancing…

 

I like to dance, and even though I’m not very good at it, I have fun trying.  Maybe you can relate to going to a dance and waiting for one song, or type of music, you can dance to.  In the meantime, if you’re willing to look silly for awhile you might be able to stay on the dance floor and improve your skills.  I am fascinated with the several dance shows currently on TV like, “So You Think You Can Dance.”  Dancers are judged and either allowed to stay in the game or dismissed.  If they stay, they are challenged to learn new routines and are judged again each week.  The survivors are the ones who are able to leave their dancing comfort zone and try new things.  Some thrive on that challenge.  You can see on the outtakes that some are very uncomfortable with new routines.  Some are very good at the familiar but can’t really adapt to other styles.  And, if they can’t do it, they lose.  Many of these people have obviously had a great deal of training, others have a natural gift and some need a great deal more work.  I am amazed at their courage to be on camera.

 

Those who survive and thrive in life are resilient, adapt to whatever is thrown their way and can take a risk.  We can help our children to be this resilient.  First, they need a stable base at home and unconditional love.  They need a safe place to try things out, that it’s okay to make mistakes - that’s how we learn.  If we don’t catch on we keep working at it, maybe with help, until it becomes easier.  A variety of healthy activities builds a child’s self confidence and adaptability.  They need to have the opportunity to master tasks and to try new things.  If all attention is placed on one area, the child’s development may not have the opportunity to flourish.  For example: focusing on academics is a very good thing.  It is important to do well in school, to learn how to study and be responsible in getting work completed and turned in on time.  It may not be healthy for the child’s development if all the other activities are put on hold.

 

Sports, for example, can be a positive experience.  It teaches teamwork, socialization, physical fitness, leadership, self confidence, discipline, etc…The expressive arts have many benefits, too.  Church activities, community service, chores/jobs and sense of family are all areas to be explored and developed as well.  The list goes on; each area has something to offer.  None of us can be the best at everything and some things may not be of any interest at all.  On the other hand, parents run the risk of overwhelming children by pushing them to be involved in so many things that they don’t feel competent in any of them.  Down time to just be quiet or get to know ourselves is also important.  I am concerned with children I see who only interact with the computer or video games.  I appreciate the technology but it very much limits other important areas of development.  The point is that to limit ourselves or our children too much can be a disservice and hinder our adaptability.  Limitations prevent growth.  Change can be difficult; adversity and new situations can be frightening.  Having a broad base of knowledge allows us to have more confidence in ourselves so we can try something new - something we had never considered before - maybe even something that will be a perfect match for us.  We can “dance” a variety of dances and not limit ourselves to just one.  We can be resilient, survive and thrive!

 

- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

September 2009

BACK

Getting Unstuck- Creating Win-Win Situations

 

As parents, we want to teach our children proper behavior, including respecting and listening to us. We want them to be successful, too. But, the reality is that some families end up stuck in a battle of wills. Most parents and children, at some point, are going to come into conflict. Some children are more stubborn than others; they challenge their parents all the time. Parents become angry, and want to exert their power (an old belief of wanting to break a child's will), and a fight ensues. A "no-win" situation arises-the parents stick to their guns, and force the child to do their will. Parents say, "I am the parent. I can't let my child win or I'll lose control. It needs to be done because I said so." Everyone is losing and the relationship suffers. A strong-willed child will be resentful and set on revenge.

 

Creating a Win-Win situation rests with the parent. Try this:

                  1.              Offer choices - Don't give in or force your will.

                 

                  2.              Encourage problem solving- Whining, begging, and arguing should be ignored (remember, ignore the behavior, not the child). Allow the child to "present their case," and respond with active listening- paraphrase their words so they know you've heard them. I encourage parents to change their minds occasionally, when a child has responded appropriately and thought through the consequences. That way children have some control over their lives, build self-confidence, and learn problem solving.

                 

                  3.              Pick your battles- Some things just don't matter. Save your trump card for the time it is most needed.

 

I often work with families on cooperative decision making.  Start when your child is young, and it might carry through those adolescent years.

 

- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

January 2009

Childhood Bipolar Disorder

The diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in children appears to be on the increase. It is a disorder wherein children exhibit unusually high irritability, explosive outbursts and rapid cycling of moods.  It is believed that many children suffering from Bipolar Disorder are being misdiagnosed as suffering from other disorders: Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder or even Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  One study indicated that one third of all children diagnosed with ADHD are actually suffering from early onset Bipolar Disorder, and another study indicated that up to half of the children diagnosed with depression will later be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

More studies are being conducted and there is still much to be learned about the disorder. We do know that a correct diagnosis is extremely important so the proper medication (mood stabilizers or a combination of mood stabilizer and antidepressant) and proper treatment can be prescribed.  Medication given for other disorders can exacerbate the symptoms of a child with Bipolar Disorder. Demitri Papolos, M.D., in his book, The Bipolar Child, writes, "antidepressants and in many cases stimulants given without the benefit of a mood stabilizer (possibly even with the protection of a mood stabilizer) can cause havoc in a child suffering from a bipolar condition, in- creasing anxiety states, potentially inducing mania, more frequent cycling, and increases in aggressive outbursts and temper tantrums."

Medication is a primary form of treatment, although significant improvement has been observed with other methods. For example, addition of Omega-3 fatty acids to a child's diet and/or undergoing light therapy have reportedly been success ful in treating children with Bipolar Disorder.  It is important to note that there are some drugs as well as some herbal treatments that should be avoided in children with Bipolar Disorder.

Every child responds differently to medications and it sometimes takes several different tries before the best combination of medications can be achieved. The effort is worth it, however: an unmedicated child often experiences a great deal of suffering.  Early detection can improve quality of life for them and for their parents.

Studies about the life cycle of people with Bipolar Disorder are grim: a disturbing number end up committing suicide, and 60 - 80% abuse substances.  We hope early diagnosis and proper of treatment of this disorder will reduce these numbers.

Children with Bipolar Disorder can benefit from counseling by learning social skills and ways of tolerating their emotional swings. Parents can also benefit from counseling through gaining an understanding of the disorder as well as learning ways of dealing with the behaviors. Counseling, along with the right medication, can make a world of difference in the behavior and happiness of both child and parent.

 

-  Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

January 2008

Children and Stress

 

"Kids are resilient," "She's too little to understand." "Nothing fazes him - he just rolls with the punches." These statements mayor may not be true, but they do not mean children aren't aware of what is going on around them or affected by their awareness.

 

Children often experience situations through the use of all their senses and may be more tuned in to the atmosphere in the home than we realize. They may not have the cognitive or verbal skills to process what is going on, but will react based on "the feel" in the home.

 

Children will fill in the blanks when they don't have adequate information. When something is changing in a family, children need to be told as simply as possible what is changing and what to expect. The  adults in their lives then need to be open to answer their questions in ways they can understand. Children don't always know what to ask, so watch for signs they might be struggling with the changes.  Provide opportunities to help them process it.

 

Children do not need to be burdened with adult details. Sometimes we are tempted to give them too much information or to use them as our sounding board. Children may feel they have to choose sides when put in the middle of parental issues. Children also may feel it is their job to protect a parent or sibling either physically or emotionally. It is not fair to the child to put him or her in such a situation.

 

It is healthy for parents to label their own feelings: a grieving mother might tell her child, "Mommy is sad and I miss Grandpa," rather than saying "I'm fine," when the child sees her crying. By labeling your feelings you help the child make sense of what he or she is seeing, feeling and hearing, and this in turn helps children learn to identify their own feelings.

 

Children react to stress in many ways. Some may withdraw. They might focus all their attention on their video game as a means of escape, or simply stay away from home, or retreat to their rooms when they are home, They might regress, going back to sucking their thumbs, soiling themselves, or not wanting their parents out of their sight,

Some children act out their stress. They might start getting into more trouble, doing things to get attention or becoming aggressive towards others. Some children, when they feel tension in the home, might try harder to please the parents or take care of them. Some might even hurt themselves. Children can become overwhelmed with what is going on, especially when they can't make sense of it..

 

It is important to keep the lines of communication open. Help children label their feelings. Validate the feelings as being legitimate, even if the behavior is inappropriate and you must stop it. A parent can say, "I understand you are angry, but I can not allow you to hit your brother,"

 

Pay attention to children when they are not misbehaving. When parents are stressed or struggling with their own emotions, they may not be as aware of the needs of their children, might not pick up on the child's expression of feelings or be as tolerant as they might be normally.

 

Children can adapt and be resilient if given the tools to do so. Appropriate communication, validation of their feelings, sensitivity to their moods, limit-setting, and awareness of the meaning of their behaviors are all ways parents can support their children during times of stress.

 

Still, sometimes a child's reaction to stress warrants further attention. If you notice a drastic change in behavior that continues for more than a couple of weeks, you might want to seek the help of a professional.

 

- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

August 2008

Attitude is (almost) Everything

 

 

How we look at life makes a big difference in how our lives go.  Is the glass half full or half empty?  Two people can be in the exact same situation and report completely different experiences.  It is generally accepted that persons with a positive outlook on life heal faster and live longer.  People who expect things to go wrong usually do seem to have more gone wrong.

 

In life and in relationships, it is easy to focus on faults/annoyances.  We can forget why we fell in love with our partner in the first place.  As a parent we can be short-tempered and impatient with our children who may be doing what they developmentally are supposed to be doing or just want our attention.  As a result, we could miss out on the wonderment of childhood.  Children tend to live up to our expectations – positive and/or negative.  At work we might look at all there is to do and become overwhelmed and unproductive.  There has been a great deal of talk about the sad state of our economy and the unemployment rate, but little has been said about the quality time with loved ones which becomes available.

 

I don’t believe that attitude overcomes all hardships.  I know wonderfully positive people who have died from cancer.  Responsible people have lost their homes, and relationships have failed in spite of efforts to make them work.  Pretending everything is rosy and burying our head in the sand isn’t a healthy response to stress either.  Bad things do happen to good people.  Keeping things in perspective, making the best of what we have and relying on resources can help us get through.

 

Depression is an exception.  I have often heard people say they don’t know why they are depressed when they have so much to be thankful for.  Others are stressed because their loved ones think they should just “snap out of it.”  Depression can be situational but it is also a chemical problem in our brains that we can’t “smile away.”  When one can no longer find pleasure in the things they used to enjoy and is overwhelmed with sadness for an extended period of time, it may be time to seek help from your doctor and therapist.

 

Enjoying the moment - looking for the good in people and situations - can make a significant difference in our lives, in how we feel about ourselves and others.  I wish for all of you a new year filled with happiness and a positive attitude towards life.

 

-  Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

January 2010

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The Mental Healing Process

 

I often wish I had magic dust that I could just sprinkle on clients and make them feel all better.  Unfortunately I don’t, and I don’t know anyone who does.  People come to me in such emotional pain and often they feel it’s unbearable.  My job, then, is to help them heal.  Sadly, I can’t hurry the process for them.  Emotional healing is similar to physical healing in some ways: looking perfectly fine on the outside but having an interior “cancer” eating away inside - not sharing the extent of their pain and feeling alone with it.  There isn’t a blood test or x-ray to pinpoint the issue; medication can sometimes make the pain more tolerable – but it doesn’t always fix the problem.  We can learn new ways of dealing with situations, but real healing takes time and work, often with pain involved.

 

True healing might mean talking about things we would sometimes rather forget in order to gain insight.   One must come to understand how past experiences impact us and how to let go of them.  People become stuck in behavior or thought patterns that were effective at some point, but now create problems. For instance, there might be a child who grew up in a family where feelings were ignored and now has communication problems with their spouse.  The now-adult person longs for connection but pushes others away to eliminate the risk of being hurt again.

 

A broken bone dealt with immediately can be set to heal with minimal discomfort or long term consequences.  If ignored it could become infected, very painful or lost altogether. The bone might need to be re-broken, the infection cleaned out, and the part reset and protected in a cast to be restored to good working order.  In many ways this is similar to therapy we provide.  If we are talking about an old hurt, there will be repeated pain as the “wound” is cleaned (“talk therapy” to uncover the causes and discover new ways of looking at things) and given time to mend properly (time to try out new skills and make them habit).

 

Working with children allows them to deal with the issues before they become destructive or too buried.  They don’t always have the verbal skills to talk about their issues, and can release them better through their play.  (Next issue will contain an article about play therapy).  Therapy can be helpful at any age and while there might be some unpleasant times, in the long run it can be very freeing.  It is a journey worth taking.  Physical, emotional and spiritual health is so intertwined that to affect one affects the others.  

 

-  Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

Summer 2010

 

Social Skills Are Learned

 

I have read studies that say aggression is not learned from video games but rather aggressive children tend to be attracted to aggressive games.  That may be true, but having worked with many children over the years, I know that children learn their social and problem-solving skills not only from role models (like their parents and peers) but also from their play.  Children use their play to learn social skills, work through dilemmas, and gain understanding of themselves and others.  That is why play therapy with children can be effective.   If you have ever watched children play, you know they often use the same language and behaviors they have seen and heard when they are talking with their dolls and in their make-believe. 

 

We live in a fast paced, need-to-be-entertained, instant gratification society.  Most video games and DVD movies provide that, and they are more and more portable.  There are Play Stations, Internet games, Wii, Xbox, DVD players, phone games…the list goes on and on.   The games and activities on them are even more varied: video games can be violent, or sexual in nature.  Some teach money management skills or caring for the physical needs of a pet.  Some cause us to think quickly and assess situations.  They entertain and occupy the child’s time.  Wii gets kids moving and video games help with fine motor dexterity.  They can also be so addictive that they are all a child wants to do after school.

 

I am not saying that children shouldn’t play video games.  I think children need a wide variety of activities to help them grow into well rounded and well adjusted adults.   I encourage parents to monitor closely how children are spending their time.    Be sure they have some things that build skills: creative (Lego’s™, arts and craft, make-believe); gross motor (balls, swings); fine motor (scissors, beads); intellectual (books, puzzles); social (friends to interact with, dolls, pretend store/school/farm) to name just a few.  Many of these overlap and can be built on through the use of electronics. 

 

My biggest concern with the development of all this technology is that social skills will be lost and children will not develop the types of interpersonal relationships that are necessary for healthy individuals.  It is through face-to-face interaction that people feel cared for and learn to trust.

 

I have heard that 90% of all communication is nonverbal.  That is, cues we pick up from tone of voice, facial and hand gestures, eye contact, etc.  If  the majority of interaction is through media, then one does not learn those skills. Children are not learning to identify their own feelings.   I have worked with many teens who have misinterpreted texting language, or have lost friendships due to things posted on Facebook™.  People often find it easier to text than to talk with someone.  Is talking going to become a lost art? 

Know what your children are doing, interact with them and expand their experiences to things outside of the electronics.

 

-  Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

Summer 2011

Parenting: Finding What Works

 

“Everyone else gets to…”  How often do we as parents hear that statement when we have set a limit that our child doesn’t like?  Sometimes it is easy to stick with the initial response; at other times we start to think “Am I being too protective, thinking too much about my own needs, or is my child hanging out with an unsafe peer group?”  We do need to take stock of our parenting from time to time.  Sometimes we second guess ourselves.  If we have a spouse or someone we trust to discuss this with, it is very helpful.  Unfortunately, for some, there isn’t a positive resource readily available. Sometimes books can be helpful, but how do we choose which book, and what parent has a lot of time to devote to reading?

 

I once heard “if you don’t like the choices your children are making, look at the choices you are giving them.”  That has stuck with me.  I don’t believe we are responsible for all our children’s choices.  They have control over that for the most part – both good and bad.  I do believe that we influence them and we can limit the choices available to them.  Kids need limits, but how do we know if we are setting the right limits and enforcing them in a healthy way?

 

The definition of discipline is “to teach”.  We are responsible for teaching our children right from wrong and how to be responsible, providing spiritual guidance, keeping them safe, encouraging them, etc.  That is a huge responsibility for us as parents.  Each family system works differently, every child in the family is unique, and as parents we all have our different strengths and weaknesses.  There is no one right way to parent.  Each has to find what works for them.  There are some things we do know don’t work and can cause problems later on, like not providing safety, structure and limits for a child, or being harsh, critical and punitive.  One of the ways to tell if we are teaching what we want to learn is to look at the child’s behavior.  Are they learning to make good decisions and be responsible or are they becoming sneaky, mean or deceitful?  There is a reason children behave the way they do – usually to meet a need.  Please differentiate “need” from “want.”  Respond to the need the child is expressing behind the behavior.  For example, if the need is for attention, pay attention to the behaviors you want to see and ignore, when safe to do so, the behaviors you don’t want.  Children who want attention will do whatever will get them that attention, whether the consequences are positive or negative.

 

If you feel you are on the right track with parenting, kids are making relatively good decisions and the relationship is good… congratulations!  Parenting isn’t easy.  If it isn’t going so well, now is the time to make changes.  We can’t change the way we’ve already parented, but we do have the power to change the way we parent going forward. We can apologize to our child (if that seems appropriate) to start the healing process.  This can make a difference in how our children see the world, the choices they make, and perhaps they way they parent our grandchildren.   Sometimes we need help in correcting damaged relationships.  Counseling can help with that and can help you learn healthier ways of parenting and setting necessary limits.  “Children are our future” is a true statement, and I personally want the children making the decisions in my future to be as healthy as possible.

 

-  Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

Fall 2011