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Healing • Hope • Growth |
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Samaritan Health & Living Center |
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Karen Maes, MSW |
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Stuck, Stuck, Stuck
Last month, I did one of the dumbest things ever. I drove over the ice and snow in my mom's front yard in order not to block the person who was in the driveway. I must have had a momentary loss of consciousness. I won't bore you with the details of how we finally got the car out, but suffice it to say, I was more than a few minutes late for an appointment. Snow and ice are only one way to get stuck in life. So many of us find ourselves stuck in jobs we don't like, stuck in bad relationships, or just stuck in our personal growth. Sometimes people come for therapy just to help themselves become unstuck, just to find themselves stuck in therapy a few months later!
There are times, when, as a therapist, I become stuck and don't know where to go with a client. My answer to all kinds of "stuckness" is change. In order to think about something differently, I need to do something differently. If I am stuck with a client, I need to take a different road. If most of our sessions have been dialogue, it may be time to do something on paper, or use a story, or a joke or role playing. Sometimes something as simple as moving the chairs around, or switching seats works. I ask the client what kind of changes they've been able to make, and determine if their original goals are still appropriate. It could be that I was frustrated and feeling stuck, and they feel they've been making progress all along.
The most important thing I do when I am stuck is to wait for what I call "the divine order." After praying about a situation, I try to open myself to new thoughts and ideas. Sometimes the ideas come in the form of a book, a news story, a dream, or an obscure topic of conversation, but they always do come. In order to receive these God-given gifts, I have to be open and receptive to them. I'm sure there've been many times I've missed something important because I'm rushing around to this or that activity, keeping my mind so occupied with mindless details that it can't receive any new input. That's when it's time to take a few deep breaths and
- Karen Maes, MSW January 2009 |
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Finding the Gold When There isn't Enough Green
TEN-HUT – CALLING ALL PARENTS! There's never been a better time to sit back and take stock of the financial values we are teaching our children in our fast-paced society. By "a better time" I am referring of course to the current economic situation in our country. Many of us were brought up by parents who said things like, "I want my children to have it better than I did" and so they went about spoiling us rotten. We did not learn that we had to work hard and wait to have nice things. Parents wouldn't have thought of burdening their children with information about their income or personal budget. Children basically received no information on how to manage money. And now, here we are, trying to figure out how to keep paying for satellite television, cell phones and music downloads while many people are putting their hard-earned food dollars into their gas tanks.
What do we tell our children? Before you launch into a financial discussion with your children, you may want to sit down and think about the messages about money that you learned as a child. How have these messages impacted you? Are these messages the ones you want to send to your children? Does your spouse/partner handle money in a similar manner or vastly different? What do children need? What do they want? Have you given material things to your children when you really couldn’t afford it? Does giving your children material things make you feel like a better parent?
After you have thought these things through, it may be time to make some changes in your own spending/saving habits. I firmly believe that as soon as children start learning math concepts, they can understand basic financial information. You can do this one on one or hold a family meeting and put the numbers up on a large piece of paper for everyone to see. You can use fun colors or pictures for younger children.
You start the process by sharing how much money comes into the household and list those numbers in a column and add them up at the bottom. In another column, list all of the bills you have to pay and the amount. Then have the children help you think of other things that must be paid for, such as Little League fees, haircuts, and birthday parties. Once you get finished with that list, add it up.
The next step is subtracting the expense total from the income total. How much is left? If there isn't anything, ask for suggestions on how to trim the budget. Who is willing to give up what? Everyone should make a contribution. If there is money left over, make sure something goes into savings. I divided my remainder by 4 weeks so I'd know how much money I could spend on incidentals every week. This helps me control my spending.
As a reward for making sacrifices, brainstorm various ways to have fun as a family and not spend huge amounts of money. This could be anything from doing volunteer work together to going camping at a nearby state park. It could even be instituting a family game night or having the kids plan, shop and cook dinner for the parents. These are things that kids remember. The values children learn from "sacrifices" are better than the ones they learn from being spoiled.
- Karen Maes, MSW August 2008 |
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Secondary Victims For the last five years, I've been a case manager working with people who have developmental disabilities. These experiences have given me insight into the great difficulties people with disabilities and their families face in our society. It is not that there isn't great joy, there is. It was a privilege to work with people who have disabilities. They have many wonderful characteristics, not the least of which are a sense of humor, creativity and fortitude. It's unanimous: being a parent is hard work, filled with sacrifice. Parenting a child who has a disability requires more hard work and many more sacrifices. Hundreds of everyday tasks are difficult and time-consuming, tasks that parents of children who are unaffected take for granted. Parents of non-disabled children assume a progression from day-care to elementary school, high school, perhaps college, and off the nestlings fly into the wild blue yonder. Parents of children with these disabilities know that their children face a vastly different future, far more dependent on factors over which they have no control, with no "flying off" in the end. Navigating the necessary service systems makes many parents of children with disabilities feel they are in a foreign land and don't know the language. One of the most devastating elements of having a child with a disability is the way some people react to them. People with disabilities, especially obvious ones, continue to face stigma and prejudice. In school they are ridiculed. In the community, people stare, make negative comments and act afraid. How are parents supposed to respond to such a reaction when they are filled with anger and frustration? Parents of children with disabilities are secondary victims. While the child may receive a variety of habilitative services (case management, behavior management, counseling, physical therapy), many parents have virtually no supports in place for themselves. They often feel isolated and don't know where to turn for help. Many marriages suffer because there is nothing left to give after the caregiving is done. The romantic weekend getaway is but a dream. Families suffer because activities must be structured around the person with a disability. There is more than These parents often find it very difficult to ask outside family members or friends for help. If I could give advice: if you know a family which includes a child with a disability, don't wait for them to ask you for help, they probably won't. Tell them you will do their errands, cleaning, or caregiving for whenever you are available. Your support is priceless. In line with the theme of this Pilgrimage issue, there's no pill for secondary victims. No medicine cures the emotions I've listed: anger, frustration, guilt, and fear; no drug heals the deadly fatigue and isolation. The "treatment" secondary victims need comes through individual offers of help, group support, and perhaps counseling.
- Karen Maes, MSW January 2008 |
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The Healing Journey
As I sit contemplating what to write about, U93 radio is launching its 14th Annual Roof Sit campaign to raise funds to prevent child abuse. They air interviews with children and adults who tell their horrifying stories of childhood abuse. It is gut-wrenching to hear these stories, one after another, all week long. Even for professionals, these stories never become any easier to hear; they are nothing but tragic. Most of the people I see in therapy are adults, more specifically – parents. They come in with depression, serious health problems, and self-destructive behavior. It never surprises me to learn that nine times out of ten, these people are victims of childhood abuse.
Unfortunately, many victims of child abuse never receive the help they need to recover. Our defense mechanisms work well to protect us, keeping the memories buried and numbing the emotions. Adults who were abused as children often find themselves in abusive relationships as adults – perhaps even the perpetrator. Anger and rage seem to be the most common problems I encounter. Many times, victims can’t remember what actually happened because they’ve had to suppress it for so long . Every time a person is abused, it creates a new layer of pain that lives in the body. Facing this pain takes great courage and many people fear they aren’t strong enough. Once they get started, most find they are strong enough. Many victims minimize the effect the abuse had on them, saying, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” or “All kids get spanked.” Although physical abuse is what we hear the most about, emotional and verbal abuse is as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. If you are struggling with the pain of childhood abuse, I encourage you to give Samaritan Center a call and begin the healing. - Karen Maes, MSW Summer 2010 |
