The third production of “Still Dancing in Elkhart” is well under way to benefit the Samaritan Center. This fundraiser has been hugely successful and is based on the popular television show Dancing with the Stars. It seemed fitting to change venues this year and showcase the event at the newly renovated Lerner Theater. Please look for your invitation and join us on Friday, October 21, 2011 in the Crystal Ballroom. The doors open at 6:00 p.m. and festivities will begin at 7:00 p.m.

Eight dancers from the community are performing, joining eight professionals from That’s Dancing Studio and Dan O’Day Dance Club. The dancers are Karla Morton, Paul Warning, Randy Lipps, Frank Lucchese, Ann Matherly, Jill Windy, Mandi Deputy and Bill Fenech. Most of our dancers have very little (if any) experience, but you will be amazed when you see them perform on October 21^st. Premiere Arts will kick the night off with a dance performance, which will include last year’s winner, Laura Arauz Smith.

If you are getting this newsletter, you are someone special to the Samaritan Center. We would love to have you attend “Still Dancing in Elkhart 2011” and vote for your favorite dancer. If you cannot attend - please vote! It is only one dollar for one vote. The dance couple that receives the most votes will be the winner of the event, but the true winner is the Samaritan Center and the people we help.

This year we have a beautiful website designed and programmed by David Marks and Todd Sirbek at TaigMarks Inc. as a courtesy for the Samaritan Center.

For your convenience, visit the website www.stilldancinginelkhart.org to make your reservation, learn more about the dancers, become a corporate sponsor, or most importantly, to vote!

- Cindy Burns, Board Member and event co-chair

Welcome, Sara Sage!

The Samaritan Center welcomes new therapist Sara M. Sage, M.S. She has been a faculty member at IUSB for the last 15 years and has worked at Family & Children’s Center, St. Margaret’s House, and Beginning Experience.

Sara works with adults and adolescents (ages 14 and older), and specializes with a wide range of concerns, including depression, anxiety, relationship and spiritual problems, and LGBT issues. Using her extensive experience as an educator and counselor, she is able to tailor her work with clients using a variety of approaches.

We are delighted to add Sara to the Samaritan Center staff.

Uncertainty: Is it a Problem or isn’t it?

Over a service club lunch, I chatted with a local banker about our wildly fluctuating financial markets. He remarked: “Uncertainty is our worst fear.” His point seemed to be that even bad news, if known and understood, was easier to tolerate than not knowing whether the news would be good or bad, and not knowing how good or bad it might be.

Not just bankers, but human beings in general, find uncertainty stressful. Actually, this is a point on which there is agreement between psychologists and theologians. Human beings have a tendency to respond to uncertainty in self-defeating ways. Psychologists talk about dysfunction; theologians talk about certitude.

Imagine a continuum of responses to uncertainty, on a dimension running from extreme openness to extreme closedness. Neither extreme works: extreme openness to uncertainty is overwhelming and paralyzing; extreme closedness to uncertainty involves avoidance and rigidity. The “healthy middle” challenges us to tolerate uncertainty, being realistic about what we don’t know, while deciding and acting so as to balance the risks each extreme presents.

Discernment and flexibility are also important. We need to be able to discern whether the situation calls for immediate action, not waiting for all the facts to come in (e.g., if a car is heading toward you, don’t wait until you know the make and model before getting out of the way), or whether a measured approach makes more sense (e.g., when the stock market is fluctuating wildly, don’t just pick a stock and throw your life’s savings at it – think and research carefully before acting). We need the flexibility to respond as the situation warrants – a one-size-fits-all strategy won’t work.

The problems we see in counseling with regard to coping with uncertainty often relate to just this one-size-fits-all factor. A response to uncertainty that may have been an excellent solution early in life can become self-defeating. A person who has been betrayed repeatedly in childhood, for instance, may come to the reasonable decision that no one can be trusted. While this helps a child cope, the child-grown-up faces significant problems in developing significant relationships, since intimacy requires trust, and trust has been ruled out – not just for manifestly untrustworthy people, but for everyone, all the time.

This lumping-together oversimplification is quite obvious on the political scene right now: in the face of the extreme uncertainties we now face, extremely simplistic solutions for extremely complex problems are trumpeted with extreme confidence. There’s something comforting about a simple solution, but it’s almost always false comfort. The tempting comfort of simple-but-false solutions to frightening uncertainty leads us to dysfunction and certitude – or, if you prefer the traditional words: fixation and idolatry.

Uncertainty is indeed a problem. The Samaritan Center certainly faces uncertainty, both as a not-for-profit agency operating in difficult economic times, as well as in the work our clinicians do in helping the people we serve cope with their own personal uncertainties. Articles in this issue of Pilgrimage focus on the ways in which we work to bring healing, hope, and growth to the people of Elkhart County in these uncertain times.

- Gregory Hinkle, Ph.D., Executive Director

Fall 2011

Parenting: Finding What Works

“Everyone else gets to…” How often do we as parents hear that statement when we have set a limit that our child doesn’t like? Sometimes it is easy to stick with the initial response; at other times we start to think “Am I being too protective, thinking too much about my own needs, or is my child hanging out with an unsafe peer group?” We do need to take stock of our parenting from time to time. Sometimes we second guess ourselves. If we have a spouse or someone we trust to discuss this with, it is very helpful. Unfortunately, for some, there isn’t a positive resource readily available. Sometimes books can be helpful, but how do we choose which book, and what parent has a lot of time to devote to reading?

I once heard “if you don’t like the choices your children are making, look at the choices you are giving them.” That has stuck with me. I don’t believe we are responsible for all our children’s choices. They have control over that for the most part – both good and bad. I do believe that we influence them and we can limit the choices available to them. Kids need limits, but how do we know if we are setting the right limits and enforcing them in a healthy way?

The definition of discipline is “to teach”. We are responsible for teaching our children right from wrong and how to be responsible, providing spiritual guidance, keeping them safe, encouraging them, etc. That is a huge responsibility for us as parents. Each family system works differently, every child in the family is unique, and as parents we all have our different strengths and weaknesses. There is no one right way to parent. Each has to find what works for them. There are some things we do know don’t work and can cause problems later on, like not providing safety, structure and limits for a child, or being harsh, critical and punitive. One of the ways to tell if we are teaching what we want to learn is to look at the child’s behavior. Are they learning to make good decisions and be responsible or are they becoming sneaky, mean or deceitful? There is a reason children behave the way they do – usually to meet a need. Please differentiate “need” from “want.” Respond to the need the child is expressing behind the behavior. For example, if the need is for attention, pay attention to the behaviors you want to see and ignore, when safe to do so, the behaviors you don’t want. Children who want attention will do whatever will get them that attention, whether the consequences are positive or negative.

If you feel you are on the right track with parenting, kids are making relatively good decisions and the relationship is good… congratulations! Parenting isn’t easy. If it isn’t going so well, now is the time to make changes. We can’t change the way we’ve already parented, but we do have the power to change the way we parent going forward. We can apologize to our child (if that seems appropriate) to start the healing process. This can make a difference in how our children see the world, the choices they make, and perhaps they way they parent our grandchildren. Sometimes we need help in correcting damaged relationships. Counseling can help with that and can help you learn healthier ways of parenting and setting necessary limits. “Children are our future” is a true statement, and I personally want the children making the decisions in my future to be as healthy as possible.

- Joyce Menchinger, MSW, LCSW

Fall 2011

Managing the Uncertainty of Adolescent Female Relationships

Imagine walking into work and being greeted with silence, ignored and excluded from the water-cooler small talk for no apparent reason. Preteen and adolescent females do not have to imagine this experience as they live with the uncertainty of relational aggression. In her book, Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons explores alternative aggression in females that occurs under the radar of most adults. Any parent of an adolescent female will attest to the gut-wrenching reality that until recently was unnamed, but so painfully experienced.

Alternative aggression occurs in three forms: relational aggression (use of a relationship to harm others; e.g. ignoring, excluding), indirect aggression (perpetrator inflicts pain on victim using others; e.g. spreading rumors), and social aggression (damage social standing within a group; e.g. social exclusion). The common thread in alternative aggression is the relationship as the weapon, exploiting the fear of being alone. A common myth about relational aggression is that its victims possess a social skills deficit. More accurately, relational aggression is an indirect way to manage conflict as girls are taught that anger is not spoken directly, lest one forfeit the description of a “good girl”.

Here are ways parents and teachers can work together:

· Listen and act in ways that communicate unconditional love and acceptance. Those who are bullied need a sanctuary.

· As a parent, be aware of your feelings and express them to another trusted adult rather than “act them out” on your child. (E.g. shame, helplessness)

· Educate yourself on alternative aggression and NAME IT! Using terms such as “relational aggression” gives language to a girl’s experiences, depriving it of its illusory nature.

· Teach children at a young age how to manage conflict in a direct manner.

· Include forms of alternative aggression in the “No Bully Zone” efforts in schools.

Suggested Reading
Simmons, Rachel - Odd Girl Out

- Alison Andrews, MA

Fall 2011

Getting Comfortable With the Unknown

Everyday every person navigates some form of uncertainty. Becoming more comfortable and skillful at navigating uncertainty happens when a person is able to name and accept the fact that uncertainty is a part of life. Moreover, it typically lessens the “deer in the headlights” experiences. As people build a tolerance to uncertainty, they are exposed to more and more novel experiences. As our experiences broaden, we grow and our perceptions and interpretations become more flexible.

It is the departure into something different and new that brings life its beauty, creates new opportunities, and enables people to grow. As we allow ourselves to step out of the ‘comfort zone’ of old, possibly outdated beliefs and assumptions, we create opportunities to notice and appreciate new things- things that may not have come into your awareness under the old assumptions. These new opportunities would never reveal themselves without a conscious decision to change, even if the end result is unknown.

Ways to increase your comfort level with uncertainty:

· Ask questions like “what are the other possibilities/choices/options for me?” or “What other things could happen?” or “What if…?”

· Work on limiting the idea that uncertainty is “unusual or different”, and look at moments of uncertainty as “just another of life’s challenges”.

· Recognize confusion and accept it as part of your growth and keep moving forward.

· It’s important not to avoid new, even negative situations, because the process of figuring something out is the important part of the lesson.

· Rather than seeking that one, intangible thing like ‘happiness’ (insert your own, unique definition of happiness here), open yourself up to novelty.

Instead of focusing on your past assumptions, look for new ways to interpret the world and grow by focusing on what you don’t know. Be curious. Fail more and be happy about it.