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Healing • Hope • Growth |
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Samaritan Health & Living Center |
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Alison Andrews, MA |
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Lessons I’m Learning 3:38 AM. I stared bleary eyed at the text, “Mom’s gone.” Through tears I glanced down at my 2-month-old daughter on the changing table. The words on her homemade Onesie pierced my heart: “Grammy loves you”. I wondered if she would ever know how much.
Two weeks before Christmas, my mother-in-law died. She would celebrate Jesus’ birthday in Heaven this year, we told our 4-year-old son. “Grammy died; Papa sad” repeated our 20-month-old daughter. How much of what she said did she understand, I wondered, angry that my children had not had more time with their grandmother. I wanted more time. Consistent with the way she lived her life, my mother-in-law continues to teach me many lessons. As my family and I have muddled our way through this experience, I thought I would share some of my reflections:
#1: We all grieve differently. The experience of grief is as unique as the individual. Rather than compare and question another’s reaction to grief, let it be what it is: an attempt to make sense of and maneuver one’s way through uncomfortable, scary and awkward feelings.
#2: Grieving takes time. Weary from experiencing countless “waves” of sadness over the course of several days my husband remarked, “I wish I could just grieve all at once and be done” (a familiar wish for anyone who has lost a loved one). The waves of emotion can and will hit at unpredictable times. Ride the “waves.”
#3: When your loved one played several roles in one’s life, the loss will be felt in many arenas. Friend, grandmother to my children, spiritual mentor, counselor, prayer warrior….these are just a few of the roles my mother-in-law played in my life. When a person touches several areas of one’s life, their absence leaves a great void. Honor the loved one’s legacy in life’s arenas.
Life’s lessons are sometimes painful. A lesson I will take with me from this experience is to make the most of every opportunity...say “I love you” often, take time to spend with loved ones, and make memories. Life truly is precious.
- Alison Andrews, MA January 2010 |
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“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” (Robert H. Schuller)
These words hung on the wall of my high school track coach/science/government teacher’s classroom. I was reminded of this quote as I contemplated the theme of this newsletter: still dancing in Elkhart. Schuller’s words and the theme of the newsletter seem to point in the same direction: perseverance. The recession/economic downturn could certainly qualify as a “tough time.” How does a family persevere during tough times?
First, let’s define “tough times.” Consider “wind” as a metaphor for “tough times.” Winds can rearrange the leaves or create energy. One thing is for certain, wind disturbs a steady state. This disruption can cause stress, no doubt. But, this stress can allow us the opportunity to acquire new skills. Just imagine if the wind never blew over a pond. The water would stagnate and stink. In some ways, individuals and families are like that pond. If we never experience the winds of life, how are we to develop into more mature individuals and family systems? Wind is neither “good” nor “bad,” but a natural phenomenon that just “is.” what we do with the wind impacts whether or not we see the wind as something helpful or harmful.
All families have roles, rules, and expectations. The roles are the “positions” we play within a family. The family rules are both spoken and unspoken. Rules and roles work in tandem. For example, I am a wife because I have a spouse. There are different rules in my role as a wife living in America than there would be as a wife living in Iraq. The roles are the same but different rules apply given the different cultures. Finally, every family culture has different expectations. You will only know your expectations in a given situation when those expectations are not met.
Secondly, think outside the box. When the winds of change blow the steady state of a family system is compromised. This disequilibrium can be an opportunity to recreate roles and rules within a family, allowing space for new positions to be played as new skills are acquired. And if expectations are not met, persevere. Keep talking and readjusting as needed to meet the needs of the family. Maybe there have been more tornadoes than refreshing breezes in your life. In either case, I encourage you to take a moment and think about the opportunities that lie within the wind. Maybe there is something that you've always wanted to try, but haven't had the time. Now is the time! Maybe there is a relationship that needs nurturing. Now is the time! I personally know two families where the winds blew and the primary bread winner lost employment. In each of these instances, the families used this wind as an opportunity to recreate their roles, and subsequently their rules. The couples have commented how much they are enjoying growing in their relationships with their children and each other. Another woman shared that the loss of her job afforded her the opportunity to return to school to pursue a long-held interest and found a job in that field. In these instances, it took the winds of change to blow in order for dreams to be realized, priorities to be re-established, and values to be lived out in new and different ways. The choice is ours: view the wind as an obstacle or an opportunity, remembering the words of Robert Schuller, “Tough times never last, but tough people do."
- Alison Andrews, MA September 2009 |
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Mapping Change
As a therapist working with couples, I have heard such phrases as, "Life happened and we started growing apart," and "We're more like roommates than husband and wife," and, "1 just don't know him/her any more," on more than one occasion. With the breakneck speed of life, and the winds of change constantly blowing, it is all too common to let our relationship with our spouse succumb to the daily grind. Eventually we find ourselves in a rut, wondering how and when we got to the place we find ourselves.
With thoughts of career, child rearing, caring for aging parents, and the economy, (just to use a few examples) it is easy to see how thoughts of our spouse can get "crowded out." However, according to John Gottman and Nan Silver, authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, this is the last thing that couples can afford to let happen if keeping their marriage strong is a priority.
What can couples do if they find themselves stuck in a deepening rut of unfamiliarity? One solution offered by the authors is to "enhance your love maps." A "love map" is the space in one's brain devoted to information about one's spouse. In their research, Gottman and Silver found that couples who "have ... made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage" manage to avoid getting stuck in the rut of disengagement. In other words, when spouses are "intimately familiar with each other's world," they are able to weather the storms of life because they are in the habit of connecting, learning, and knowing about one another.
How does a couple begin to create a more detailed love map? One exercise in the book includes asking your spouse to tell you about the following: people in his/her life, recent important events, upcoming events, current stressors or worries, hopes and aspirations. During this exercise, the goal is to learn about your partner rather than problem-solve. This is just one example of several intended to enhance love maps. I encourage you to check out this book for more information.
- Alison Andrews, MA January 2009 |
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The Tenants of Healing As a parent of three young (and very active) children, I have frequent opportunity to consider healing as “ouchies” abound. In fact, during the time I was writing this article I cared for a black eye, banged toe, and the pain of face meeting concrete driveway…and that was just the 2-year-old. In his book, Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis talks about the comfort that the Christian faith can bring. Lewis points out that in order to experience comfort from our faith we must first know pain. My first tenant of healing is that healing is a process that begins with pain. After the initial sting of emotional pain, it may be helpful to recognize the pain as an opportunity for growth and change. Merely thinking about pain differently is only the beginning of the journey toward healing.
My second tenant of healing is that we must go toward that which is uncomfortable, scary, and awkward (U-S-A). Moving toward our U-S-A requires us to tolerate our anxiety (and sometimes face more discomfort, at least initially) rather than reduce our anxiety. Going toward that which is U-S-A requires great courage. The journey toward healing is uncomfortable at times, requiring us to go against our grain and try something different that may even feel awkward. Without exception, the healing that I have witnessed in therapy rooms has occurred when brave people did the uncomfortable, scary, and awkward rather than the comfortable and familiar.
My third tenant of healing is God will meet us in our pain. I believe that the courage to move toward that which is U-S-A comes from God, who not only meets us in our pain, but sustains us in the process of healing. One of my favorite names of God is “Abba,” which translates “Daddy.” When we are weary in our journey toward healing, it is this Daddy that holds us. The first and second tenants (pain and U-S-A) find life in the third tenant. With God present with us in our pain we have the supernatural courage required to face the unimaginable. After my 2-year-old took a nasty fall on the driveway, I overheard her recount her experience to her older brother. “I fall and hurt myself. Daddy pick me up and hold me. I better now.” The next time you fall and hurt yourself, will you allow your Abba Father to pick you up and hold you as you move from pain to healing?
*I would like to recognize and thank my professors Drs. Tim and Jennifer Nelson who taught the concept and modeled the courage to move toward the uncomfortable, scary, and awkward.” A.A.
- Alison Andrews, MA Summer 2010 |
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What Spell Is the Princess Culture Casting? It is everywhere. It has infiltrated everything from toys to toothpaste, food to furniture. It has been described as “innocent” and a “phase” of development. It reached $4 billion in sales by 2009 . What is this “it” ? “It” is the Princess culture: the largest growing franchise on the planet for girls ages two to six.” However, as a parent and therapist (and a female) I wonder about the Princess culture’s impact on both boys and girls. The passion for “everything Princess” began innocently. A bit of history (courtesy of Peggy Orenstein, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter): it began in 2000 after a Disney executive attended a “Disney on Ice” show and saw an untapped opportunity. The audience of little girls was dressed in…brace yourself…homemade Princess costumes! The next day, history was made (and this is not a sarcastic exaggeration). Prior to the Princess release, characters from different stories were never put together on the same item. In order to honor the legacy of Roy Disney, “when the ladies appear on the same item, they never make eye contact.” Princess hysteria did begin innocently: little girls playing dress up. Then, as often happens, the media exploited this innocence. I share Orenstein’s concern: what is Princess culture teaching our little girls about what it means to be female? What are the long-term consequences of the Princess culture on our girls? After all, the Princesses cannot even look at each other. This lack of eye contact is no small detail. Research indicates “the more mainstream media girls consume, the more importance they place on being pretty and sexy.” Is a steady diet of pink Princesses teaching our daughters to value being “pretty and sexy” over being authentic and self-accepting? The more PITs (Princesses in Training) embrace what others (specifically, the media) are telling them about what it means to be female, the more limited their options as to who (and what) they can become. As I have studied, counseled, and experienced the world of girls, I am deeply troubled by the implicit message a group of females who can’t (or don’t/won’t) make eye contact sends as the gold standard of toys for young girls. These messages about how to communicate are influencing a generation of females and the outcome is alarming. In her book, The Curse of the Good Girl, Rachel Simons explains that teenage girls’ body language communicates what they have been taught not to say directly, and they remain the ever-loved “nice” girls. Of course it is not fair to say that the Princess culture is directly responsible for adolescent females’ indirectness; however, it is a link that warrants some consideration. There are other Princess characteristics to consider. Their successful future is dependent on a “knight in shining armor” rescuing and taking care of them. Last summer I facilitated a book study with a group of teenage girls, freshmen through seniors. We were reading and discussing The Curse of the Good Girl. I wanted to know if what I was reading was an accurate portrayal of their experience as teenaged young women, so I asked them what it meant to be a “good girl.” Their answers were astounding! At the top of the list: having a boyfriend. This was a group of, well, “good girls.” They excelled in academics, athletics, band, drama and theater, 4-H, were leaders in their youth groups and model citizens…”Why did they need a boyfriend to be ‘good’?” I wondered. Apparently it was “just expected”: Having a boyfriend is just what a teenaged girl is supposed to do. Rachel Simmons’ research lined up with what these young women said about their lives. The Princess culture was their reality. Finally, the Princess culture places a high premium on outer beauty. Interestingly enough, when Rachel Simmons was researching data for her book The Curse of the Good Girl, a group of middle-class teens identified a good girl as: “blue eyes…little girl…natural hair…skinny…Barbie…(and) Façade never cracks (emphasis mine, 2). The description of a “Good Girl” sounds eerily like that of the Princesses. The Princesses’ interpersonal relationship skills, long-term partner choices, and high premium on outer beauty are sending a message to the young girls of today. I believe it our responsibility as stewards of these vulnerable lives to be informed consumers. We need not sit idly by. Orenstein, Peggy. Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the new Girlie-Girl Culture. New York: HarperCollins, 2011. Simmons, Rachel. The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. New York: Penguin Group, 2009. - Alison Andrews, MA Summer 2011 |
Managing the Uncertainty of Adolescent Female RelationshipsImagine walking into work and being greeted with silence, ignored and excluded from the water-cooler small talk for no apparent reason. Preteen and adolescent females do not have to imagine this experience as they live with the uncertainty of relational aggression. In her book, Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons explores alternative aggression in females that occurs under the radar of most adults. Any parent of an adolescent female will attest to the gut-wrenching reality that until recently was unnamed, but so painfully experienced.
Alternative aggression occurs in three forms: relational aggression (use of a relationship to harm others; e.g. ignoring, excluding), indirect aggression (perpetrator inflicts pain on victim using others; e.g. spreading rumors), and social aggression (damage social standing within a group; e.g. social exclusion). The common thread in alternative aggression is the relationship as the weapon, exploiting the fear of being alone. A common myth about relational aggression is that its victims possess a social skills deficit. More accurately, relational aggression is an indirect way to manage conflict as girls are taught that anger is not spoken directly, lest one forfeit the description of a “good girl”.
Here are ways parents and teachers can work together: · Listen and act in ways that communicate unconditional love and acceptance. Those who are bullied need a sanctuary. · As a parent, be aware of your feelings and express them to another trusted adult rather than “act them out” on your child. (E.g. shame, helplessness) · Educate yourself on alternative aggression and NAME IT! Using terms such as “relational aggression” gives language to a girl’s experiences, depriving it of its illusory nature. · Teach children at a young age how to manage conflict in a direct manner. · Include forms of alternative aggression in the “No Bully Zone” efforts in schools. Suggested Reading
- Alison Andrews, MA Fall 2011 |
Separating Our “Who” From Our “DoI spent time between Christmas and New Years speaking to groups of young women about the masks we wear. I was in awe of the rooms full of women that echoed this sentiment: “In order to be someone, I must do something.” In Grace for the Good Girl, author Emily Freeman notes, “In the try-hard life, your behavior determines your identity.”
In the counseling room, I hear the same from (mostly) women: my behavior determines my worth. There is both a mixture of sadness and fear (with a dose of guilt and shame): sadness at the realization that one’s identity is based on performance and fear at the thought of behaving in a way that is “less than.” In many cases, “less than” means “less than perfect,” which typically means “less than what others expect.”
How does one loosen the tie between behavior and identity? I’ll offer a partial list.
I believe it begins by recognizing the difference between “acceptance” and “approval.” Approval is behavior-specific. If a person behaves in the desired way, then approval is granted. Acceptance is a general sentiment based on who we are. Our behavior can’t “undo” our acceptance. For example, we can accept someone even when we do not approve of every aspect of his/her behavior.
After recognizing the difference between acceptance and approval, it is helpful to find our way toward accepting ourselves and surrounding ourselves with other accepting people. Then, we can begin examining the “truths” that have fostered the belief that behavior determines identity. Often these “truths” are found to be illogical, uninformed, and fear-based. A goal is to replace these “truths” with a new, more accurate and affirming Truth.
At the beginning of the workshop, I asked the women what they hoped to gain from their “Good Girl” masks. They responded: “Love,” “Acceptance,” “Worth,” “To be liked.” After spending time identifying the difference between acceptance and approval, examining and testing the beliefs that had been accepted as truth, I closed with an exercise in which I asked the participants to complete this sentence: “I am she who…” A brave and insightful young woman commented, “I am she who is enough.” Mask-free, behavior-separate-from-identity: Enough.
- Alison Andrews, M.A., L.M.F.T. Annual Report 2011 (February 2012) |
